Married and Thinking of Having an Affair? – Think Again….


”Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive”?

The statistics on the numbers of persons engaging in infidelity or cheating on their mate are not always conclusive because people simply do not tell the truth on surveys or when polled. Conservatively, 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair – and the number of marriages affected is much higher – about 80 percent.

We all know or hear of someone who is not being faithful to their marriage vows and there are similar accounts and stories told that paint a picture when someone steps out of the marriage ring. And the picture is not a rosy one.

There are many variables why people look to others for their emotional or sexual happiness. Some of them are looking for particular traits that their mate lacks, some may be bored or unhappy with their partner’s looks, habits or attitudes, and others may like the variety and excitement in living on the edge and risking that they ‘may be caught’.

Affairs can happen in any neighborhood, company, workplace, schools, churches, between friends, with in-laws; anyplace where two people can meet and form an alliance. Almost 30 percent start on the internet in chat rooms or online conversations. Some men and women are more vulnerable than others; some are more needy than others, and some put their self interests above others.

In any affair, the commitment to the other person in the marriage is violated and dishonored. Temptations and/or attention from the opposite sex can happen in any of the circumstances above, but a committed, honest and strong marriage will override them. Besides the religious inference and family members involved, the dynamics and spirit of a relationship between husband and wife is seriously changed because of an affair, even if the marital union was strong and unified.

The down-side aspects of cheating far outweigh the excitement of forbidden love and heightened emotional feelings. Persons who have affairs say things like this:

“I’ve never felt like this in my whole life.

He’s/she’s my soul mate.

We have so many interests the same; we enjoy every minute we are together.

I would do anything for him/her.

If it wasn’t for the kids, we would be together.

My husband and/or wife is a great mother and wife, or a great father and husband, but this attraction is stronger than him/her.

We talk about everything; I’ve never been so open with a person.

I can hardly wait till I see him/her again; we call each other or email all the time.

It’s like an obsession that I can’t stop.”

You only live once, why fight it.

The sex is unbelievable”.

Persons who feel like this are caught up in the first excitement and feelings of attractions, which are emotional and physical and think about the other person constantly. The “couple” make plans for vacations or weekends or any time that they can be together. This euphoria peaks because it is novel and new and they are love-smitten like teen-agers. There is no responsibility for taking care of a house, caring for kids or pets, or paying bills together, or sharing bathrooms or helping the other through a bad cold at 3:00 am in the morning. The relationship is purely fun, sensual, light-hearted, flirty and non-committed. They are having fun, dressing up for a ‘date’, share great conversations and have no money, in-law or religious problems.

Starting the affair is the first step in deception. Deception creates lies and untruths; once it begins, it can and usually escalates. One of the ‘couple’ may start to feels stressed and/or hemmed in. Every time the phone rings or the chance when they are together of meeting someone who knows them is around every corner or in every restaurant. There are restrictions all around and one of them usually gets more frustrated than the other. If one is married and one is not, it is even more stressful; the single one will urge and push for them to be ‘together’ and to leave the married mate.

It is unrealistic and a play world where the real life is actually home in their separate houses. The ultimate goal of a committed couple is to be together forever.  And an ‘affair together’ is usually a broken string of stolen or hurried moments.

Eventually, one of the ‘couple’ starts to feel dissatisfaction. Maybe one is married and the other is not, or both may be married. One wants to be with the other more and starts to feel melancholy and depressed on birthdays and holidays. He or she is frustrated in not being with the ‘loved one’ on these special days and wants to be together more and more. The other one may want to be together, too, but this dissatisfaction is usually more one-sided. The other may not be ready to commit to leaving the house and didn’t plan on making commitments. There may be children to consider. And responsibilities. And relationships. And family and friends.

All kinds of scenarios can happen. They can get caught and it will come out in the open and everyone gets hurt, especially if the mate did not suspect. Even if the relationship of the married couple was a good one, trust and respect have been destroyed and can take a long time in being restored, if ever. Emotions change the euphoria of the ‘couple’ and it can get nasty and ugly. Accusations and hurt feelings can cause emotional see-saws and the erring couple may find out things about their new-found loved one that they did not know existed. Reality sets in. If there are children, they might be brought into the turmoil and everyone gets hurt.

Soon you hear remarks like this from the cheating couple:

“She got so manipulative; she was going to call my wife and tell her.

He follows us when we go out on family outings and it makes me nervous.

I can’t concentrate at work; my boss asked me if something was wrong in my personal life.

The office knows because he calls me constantly, especially since I told him it was over.

I’ve lost weight and can’t concentrate; I’m so confused.

All we talk about now is how we would live if we left our partners and started over.

My wife and I don’t talk much and when we do, we fight.

The kids aren’t doing well in school, my son started to smoke.

I feel like I’m married to two people and I don’t get along with either one of them.

I guess the ‘grass isn’t greener’ on the other side.

You know what you have – you don’t know what you’re going to get”.

Still thinking about it? Here are some statistics to think about:

About 10 percent of affairs are a one-time and one-day event;

About 10 percent last more than one day, but less than a month;

Approximately half of affairs last more than a month but less than a year;

The rest last longer than a year, but few last more than four or more years.

Very few end in marriage – in the office, only 3 percent of the men married their lovers.   Ref:  {Catalogs.com)

Adultery betrays the marriage covenant of faithfulness. One of the Ten Commandments is : “Thou shalt not commit adultery” And yet, by the statistics above, many people do. And some get married twice or three times. And some commit adultery over and over and say that once you take the first plunge, it gets easier the next time.

If you get tempted and in this fast-changing world, many of us do, watch the movie Fatal Attraction with Michael Douglas and Glenn Close. You might save yourself entanglements, bitterness and life-changing events in your life that you really didn’t mean to have happen.

© Marie Coppola  March 2014

 

 

About Marie Coppola

Marie Coppola A long-time human resources administrator and paralegal (B.S. in Business Administration/ Psychology, Certified Paralegal), Marie writes to aid employees with positive career options and resources, and to assist in career development solutions for students and employees; counsels on resumes, securing employment, and being successful with promotable possibilities. Marie finds inspiration in her faith, which she enjoys passing on to others, and finds gratification in helping others wherever she can. Got a question, need advice? Marie can be reached at mcopp@ymail.com