Tag Archives: break-up#

Date Someone From the Office? Not Always a Good Idea.

 

As an Human Resource (HR) administrator, I became aware of many office “relationships”.  Although it is estimated that 1/3 of office relationships end in marriage, they rarely did in our company  and most of them ended as a mini-soap opera which usually had high ratings for as long as it lasted. Even after the ‘in-house general public’ lost interest in the details, it still resounded in the halls at mention of a name:

“Is Hector* in Finance still after Giselle* in Graphics?”

Gossip dies slowly. Even after people leave the company, their names echo in the halls. And at lunch. Or in meetings.

It truly is not a good idea to date at the office. We are there to work, and budding relationships interfere with that mindset. If one has the misfortune to actually be in the department of the ‘lovebirds’, it can cause tension, stress and bad feelings amongst the group.

Especially if Giselle* takes longer lunch breaks with Hector*, or if Hector goes by her desk or office ten times in one hour.

And if Hector has supervision over Giselle, anything he does can be construed as favoritism. “Was Giselle’s raise higher than mine?” “I think Giselle had more days off than I did,” or “Giselle spends a lot of time of the phone with Hector while WE are we doing her work!” Infatuation or love does funny things to people. And love is better pursued out of the office than in the office. It simply does not belong there.

Many employees, in counseling conversations would confess their ‘office’ romance – perhaps because as HR administrator, this information is confidential and not to be repeated. Here are some dark aspects of a company or work romance. The situation is not an actual one but and been changed, but basically is the same idea.

An unattached department head’s interest in an unattached subordinate caused a discriminatory problem and charge that she favored ‘him’ by giving him a promotion that had not been ‘posted’. “‘He” was given special training and seminars to gain the position,” that was not posted nor offered to them”. “‘He’ was given ‘special projects'” and his car was seen overnight at her house.

Other details and allegations were made. The new manager eventually was transferred to another department and the department head was relocated. HR offered the remaining department employees further training and education.

The reason why many companies have rules against relationships in the office is due to facts similar to the scenario above. It is not uncommon. If the department head is worth keeping, they have to relocate her. The same with the man in his new role as a manager. That means juggling departments and groups and office space and many other details that can be costly to the company.

If they are not worth keeping, they may be let go and they might turn around and sue the company. The co-workers might sue the company for discrimination. Companies do not like lawsuits. This scenario costs lots of money and time – and companies are in the business to make money, not spend it on employees’ personal lives or trying to right personal wrongs. As a result, they make rules against relationships in the office and sometimes banning married couples working in the same department.

Companies also experience work violence which, unfortunately, is also not uncommon. Threats or vindictiveness against an ex-love interest are out there. Some even experience bodily threats and/or shootings. Love or lost-love are strong emotions that can be triggered if the stress of seeing that person every day is heightened in drama. The whole department – no, make that the whole company – can be targeted and put at risk.

Be friendly at work, but not too friendly. Companies have lawful access to your emails so keep them business-like and not sappy love notes. You could be admonished for it. They have the right to do so. And who wants their personal life to be the talking points of the day.   If you do end up in a work relationship, take it away from the office and not in the office.  The best advice is: “Leave your personal life at home and focus on your job.”  It could end in marriage OR unemployment.

*Names and situations are not true identities nor true examples.

Marie Coppola © Revised  May 2015

How to Deal with Major Losses in Life

During our lifetime, we can experience many losses. Some losses are separations, like death, serious illnesses or divorce, wherein we lose a special or primary relationship. It is a critical time when a parent, husband or wife, child, or sibling passes. It is even equally sorrowful, if it is a divorce and there is loss of not only the person, but a way of life and perhaps the division of a family. It is sorrowful when we lose a lover, mate, good friend or any friend ~or a beloved pet ~ who is now no longer with us. Another big loss is a miscarriage. We are numb, shell-shocked, heavy-hearted and grief-stricken. Clear thinking and decision-making becomes blurred; we are clearly not ourselves

Similar feelings can be felt albeit, at a lesser degree, at the loss of a business, a job, a home lost in foreclosure or fire, or even relocating and losing the old neighborhood.  Loss of personal attributes, such as your yourth, good health, loss of hair or good looks, surgeries, cars totaled in accidents, academic standing, integrity or even your good name or reputation all take their toll. They are all losses.

We all experience loss and we all express it differently. Some of us keep a ’stiff upper lip’ and others become withdrawn or they could become weepy and forlorn. There are no set rules for us to follow when we have loss issues. But there are some things that can help us heal.

Whether you have parted with a loved one or a pet or a way of life, you  MUST  take time to grieve. Your sadness does not go away magically when you return to work after a few days. People, in their concern for you, may tell you to ’snap out of it’ or ‘get over it’, but the truth is that it will simply take as long as it takes. It will be different for everyone. There is no ‘expiration date’ here.

As painful as it is, the grief must go somewhere, and the best place for it to go is ‘out‘. Keeping a stiff upper lift may backfire on you, leaving you crippled from the burden of unreleased grief inside you. It’s better to cry — yes, cry — one of the best gifts we’ve been given.  Even Jesus cried.  Tears are healing. You can cry alone or with good friends, but absolutely, do cry. You’re entitled; you’re allowed; you’re human. Tears release grief and sadness. If you can’t cry, you may want to talk to a trusted friend or spiritual person or counselor to release that grief that is pent up and not released.

As an example, a lovely neighbor of mine died unexpectedly while I was away on a trip. I did love this woman; she was elderly, kind and caring; a sort of mother to me. It occurred at a really busy time for me and I was called and told about her while I was away. I felt the first stab of shock and sadness, but quickly extinguished it (or so I thought) and carried out my professional seminar and other things to be done at hand. When I arrived at home several days later, it was the night of my neighbor’s viewing, and I hurriedly dressed to go, still not having fully absorbed the reality of her death.   I have attended many wakes, funerals and viewings, and I felt no feelings of forbearance as I walked in the door. Her grown grandchildren were standing around her casket and I hugged them all and gave condolences, but when I walked over to the casket and viewed her for the first time, reality struck, grief surged and I totally dissolved in sobbing tears. Her grandkids encircled to console me. I had pent up the grief and it had to come out; I wish I had done so in private so that I didn’t cause that concern from them when they were grieving themselves. Grief has to be given expression.

In your grief, be careful with your nutrition; you need your strength. You may lose sleep, be uptight a lot or even be mad at God. He understands. It’s important to eat well & drink fluids which will help your muscles become more flexible during tension. Exercise. It’s hard to even think about exercising while your heart is so heavy, but it is important. Even walking around the block helps. When my parents died 6 months apart, my doctor told me to continue aerobic exercises every day during their illnesses. Blood pressure rises from stress and lack of sleep. I never felt like doing it, but forced myself and even took yoga exercises which relieves tension in your body. I t helped tremendously; and will help you sleep. Force yourself.

Lean on your spirituality and faith. God walked me through my rough times, helped me work out my aerobic exercises and was there to hug me in my tears. Let go and let God. He loves you and will help you if you only ask. He is our Refuge and our Strength. He is the Great Physician and Counselor and will never let you down. He did not cause your grief; life events happen to all of us.

If your loss feels like it is overcoming you and/or debilitates you and you can’t function, you need to see your doctor, counselor or spiritual advisor.  It will help you. After my parents died, especially my father, I found myself going the ‘weepy and forlorn’ route. After much praying, I felt directed (God nudges me) to the employee program at work that assists in employees’ problems. I didn’t really want to do that because I did not want to take my personal life to a work program, but it was affecting my performance and God was telling me  that if I didn’t go, I might be told to go. And so I went.

It was just what I needed (Thank You, Lord.) The clinical psychologist there actually sat through 3 lunchtime sessions with me where all I did was cry. And he let me. A half hour of crying for 3 days. Finally, he gently guided me to find out why I was so upset. We did this in 3 more sessions. What it came down to was this; and this is a good thing to keep in mind if you find yourself perplexed over unexplained depression.  In my case, I was simply overcome with grief.

He went over other loss issues in my life; for example, my mother had Alzheimer’s, so I had lost her before I really ‘lost’ her. We went over the personal losses in my life besides other than people losses. He uncovered losses I had never grieved for and losses that I did grieve over. I was surprised at how they overlapped and the intensity of them. And what he told me is this – and this explanation has carried over into unexplained feelings of loss in my life when there really weren’t concrete reasons.

“When you have loss issues, your body remembers how it felt when you lost them. When you have additional loss issues, although you think you recovered from the previous ones, your body and mind may remember them and ‘mingle them with the loss you currently have’. If you have had deaths, divorce, illnesses, etc., in the past, a significant “loss remembrance” may bring these previous losses back to the surface, and you will feel all of them and wonder why you are feeling so grieved.”

I believe that is what happened when my father died. I had an overwhelming feeling of loss. But there were other life losses involved. The counselor showed me how to separate my loss issues individually and give each one its own expression of grief; and then put it away. And I did. Once I did that, and understood why, I was readily able to function without that overwhelming feeling of loss.

Marie Coppola © 2009