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Where’s the Beef in 150 Channels


When you update your TV cable programs – a few words of warning.  If it sounds like you are getting the grand-daddy package of them all – 150 channels of top television viewing – be cautious.

All those movie channels – yes!   All the sports programs – yes!      Round the clock viewing for your viewing enjoyment – yes!    High Definition – yes!    Bring it on!

Better check it out before you tell all your friends and family what a great deal you got for only $29.95. You figure that’s better than going to the movies a couple of times and spending all that money.

Let’s check it out – oh, look — there’s nothing free in HD. Our new TV is HD – oh, it’s extra? — we have to pay $15.00 more for that ~ well, maybe we won’t need it.   Well, ok,  $15.00 isn’t so bad.   Oh, you have to purchase another box for it? For $98? And it’s more for ‘special’ sports? They’re ALL special? – wow, it’s $59.95 for special boxing and football games?

This is like the old joke – “the car costs only $100 bucks — oh, you wanted a transmission in it? – that’s $2,000 more – oh, and you may want tires – they’re $75 each – need four?  “I bet you want a steering wheel, too.”

Let’s check out all the channels we’ll get (*rubbing hands together with anticipation*) – and soon to be disappointed).

Menu Button – Actual menu listings of your bundled ‘programs:

Channel 2000 -How to have the sexiest hair ever for $19.99

Channel 3000 – Most awesome workout ever without leaving your chair for only $19.99

Channel 4000 – Relieve annoying hammertoe pain with this secret tool for only $19.99

Channel 5000 – Look 18 forever for $19.99

Channel 6000 – Open Grilling Today in the Rain – Grilling alligators in pesto sauce

Channel 7000 – 16 channels — To be announced

Channel 9001 Family Feud [from the 1970s]

Channel 9002 – Top 100 Tunes of Scream Songs

Movie Channel – Movies from the 1920s and 30s (actually they’re better than the new ones).

Channel 9004 – Loser Videos of World’s Funniest Videos

Local Channels – Blank screen with message. “Need upgrade for that.”

20 channels – Inactive

15 channels – Off the Air

There are more infomercials than there are real programs. Everything they sell on these info channels are $19.99 plus shipping & handling (they don’t tell you how much shipping & handling will be) AND – if you order within 5 seconds, you get 2 of everything including free shipping & handling.   The line is always busy.

The movies are reruns of reruns of reruns of movies with ratings not more than 1 and a half stars out of 4 highest stars. AND, if you do watch a movie – it lasts 4 hours – 1 hour of movie interspersed with 3 hours of commercials. All movies begin with 1 or 2 commercial breaks but when you get down to the ending – the most important part of the movie –you get — count ’em — 9 commercials.

Be aware if the wind blows enough to swirl your flag outside, you may lose “the signal” and all 150 channels. Or if it rains longer than 5 minutes or the cable even hears your water sprinklers go on, the cable may go down for awhile due to inclement weather. But don’t lose heart; once during a Hurricane 3 level – we never lost ‘the signal’ — go figure.

I don’t watch much TV anymore – my husband only watches soccer, Westerns and the news — and we pay $120.23 a month. BUT, we have 150 channels. Woo Hoo!

© Marie Coppola Revised February 2019