When you update your TV cable programs – a few words of warning. If it sounds like you are getting the grand-daddy package of them all – 150 channels of top television viewing – be cautious.
All those movie channels – yes! All the sports programs – yes! Round the clock viewing for your viewing enjoyment – yes! High Definition – yes! Bring it on!
Better check it out before you tell all your friends and family what a great deal you got for only $29.95. You figure that’s better than going to the movies a couple of times and spending all that money.
Let’s check it out – oh, look — there’s nothing free in HD. Our new TV is HD – oh, it’s extra? — we have to pay $15.00 more for that ~ well, maybe we won’t need it. Well, ok, $15.00 isn’t so bad. Oh, you have to purchase another box for it? For $98? And it’s more for ‘special’ sports? They’re ALL special? – wow, it’s $59.95 for special boxing and football games?
This is like the old joke – “the car costs only $100 bucks — oh, you wanted a transmission in it? – that’s $2,000 more – oh, and you may want tires – they’re $75 each – need four? “I bet you want a steering wheel, too.”
Let’s check out all the channels we’ll get (*rubbing hands together with anticipation*) – and soon to be disappointed).
Menu Button – Actual menu listings of your bundled ‘programs:
Channel 2000 -How to have the sexiest hair ever for $19.99
Channel 3000 – Most awesome workout ever without leaving your chair for only $19.99
Channel 4000 – Relieve annoying hammertoe pain with this secret tool for only $19.99
Channel 5000 – Look 18 forever for $19.99
Channel 6000 – Open Grilling Today in the Rain – Grilling alligators in pesto sauce
Channel 7000 – 16 channels — To be announced
Channel 9001 Family Feud [from the 1970s]
Channel 9002 – Top 100 Tunes of Scream Songs
Movie Channel – Movies from the 1920s and 30s (actually they’re better than the new ones).
Channel 9004 – Loser Videos of World’s Funniest Videos
Local Channels – Blank screen with message. “Need upgrade for that.”
20 channels – Inactive
15 channels – Off the Air
There are more infomercials than there are real programs. Everything they sell on these info channels are $19.99 plus shipping & handling (they don’t tell you how much shipping & handling will be) AND – if you order within 5 seconds, you get 2 of everything including free shipping & handling. The line is always busy.
The movies are reruns of reruns of reruns of movies with ratings not more than 1 and a half stars out of 4 highest stars. AND, if you do watch a movie – it lasts 4 hours – 1 hour of movie interspersed with 3 hours of commercials. All movies begin with 1 or 2 commercial breaks but when you get down to the ending – the most important part of the movie –you get — count ’em — 9 commercials.
Be aware if the wind blows enough to swirl your flag outside, you may lose “the signal” and all 150 channels. Or if it rains longer than 5 minutes or the cable even hears your water sprinklers go on, the cable may go down for awhile due to inclement weather. But don’t lose heart; once during a Hurricane 3 level – we never lost ‘the signal’ — go figure.
I don’t watch much TV anymore – my husband only watches soccer, Westerns and the news — and we pay $120.23 a month. BUT, we have 150 channels. Woo Hoo!
© Marie Coppola Revised February 2019