Tag Archives: how not to

For Sale: Charming, Quaint 75 Year Old House

FOR SALE :

An older but undeniably lovely Victorian-type old home brimming with charm. Three bedrooms – two the size of walk-in closets and a quaint 10′ x 11′ master bedroom – the only bedroom with a closet.  One of the smaller bedrooms opens up to full attic.  Attic frequently inhabited by one or two squirrels which if not attended to may find final resting places in the walls. Highly recommend flushing the gutters with water at least once a year. And make sure the poison is out of the reach of toddlers. Squirrel traps stay with home.

Recently renovated bath upstairs (8′ x 5′ – and only bathroom in house),  has one floor-to-ceiling window, which is conveniently flush-placed directly next to the toilet. It is recommended painting window black or glue-gun perpetual curtain covering. (However, convenient for air flow in times of duress).  For summer use when you open window, a full mask for private toilet use stays in bathroom. Tub wall completely renovated with new tiles where water was seeping through to the first floor and all floorboards have been replaced.  Bonus: heavy rope decor in shower in case floor buckles through while showering.

Beautiful parquet wood flooring on steps and downstairs including living room and dining areas. Flawless except for one spot permanently tattooed with deceased pet’s urine spot. 10′ x 5′ rug will cover it. 10′ x 5′ rug stays with home.

Large eat-in kitchen complete with original cabinets repainted in new decor ~ French-deterioration & pickled look on top cabinets and bottoms. Antique early-depression eclectic stove with only front burners working. The back two are on unemployment. New dropped ceiling covers chipped antique ceiling tiles and cobwebs.

Extra cabinets were installed in the detached garage for extra storage. Folding garage doors work intermittently. There is a side entrance leading out from the kitchen but it is for decorative purposes only. We actually used this door once, and could not close/lock it for three days. It this happens, the police department is familiar with problem and will gallantly help you close it. Police number embedded in north wall stays with home.

Air tends to stagnate in winter – it is suggested that the 36 windows in the house are opened occasionally for air flow. Since the antique windows do not stay open by themselves due to extinct steel pulley hardware , you may have to prop them open with any item that is at least 26 inches long – ie, a walking cane or even a sleeping cat can nicely keep them from falling down. Pet insurance stays with the home.

A Plus Detail – Oldsville General Hospital is within walking distance just 3 blocks away. Should you have palpitations or anxiety attacks (their specialty) call the Emergency room (555-2555) and just tell them Marie sent you and they will take good care of you. We have a bonding relationship and this on-going relationship stays with the house.

Another Plus – Bats are plentiful in our area and should you air out the attic, some may radar through. This is convenient to kill the swarms of ladybugs that infest the ceilings in the spring and the cockroaches that snowbird in the winter. The bats do not need to be fed – they just fly in – and around – and out. Just be sure to keep the 36 windows open so they can depart. Bat droppings removal instructions stay with the house.

Don’t worry about meeting people. In this ultra-friendly neighborhood, they will find you. Especially our cousin’s son, Artie . He is a bachelor and might forget we moved. He may stop in from time to time especially on holidays and will insist we still live there. Just give him a beer or three (he likes Budweiser). If you know of any single ladies who may want to meet him, you can just give them his number (555-480-4080). We are offering a $500 reward if he marries one of them. Reward warranty good for 25 years.

Oh, and beware if a man named Hector calls and claims you are living in HIS house. Do not be alarmed. He is a past owner and also a patient at Greystone Institution and is delusional. He will calm down if you tell him that you are taking good care of it and that you always put his tools away. Don’t mention that you are the new owner as that    might agitate him into a chain-saw reaction. Home insurance with liability and property damage coverage stay with house.

We know you will be ecstatically happy in this house and town. Our town is 2.3 miles square and has 21 bars. This is the absolute (no pun intended) truth. You don’t have to walk far to have fellowship and companionship. Ask Artie.  He knows all of them. He spent so much time in them, that he forgot to get married.

We hope that you call soon for a walk-through which is only on Mondays and Fridays. You’ll find out why if you purchase the house. Principals only – and we have just reduced this gem for $300,000. With all those extras! Woo Hoo!

Call for an appointment for any Monday and Friday. We know this is the house for you!!

Marie Coppola, revised February 2014, Copyrighted