Soon! On your very own computer - the newest social media - called 'Frackbook'. You'll never want to use another social media. Well, you won't be able to because once you sign on, your membership is locked in until your death and you can't ever end it. We are working on after-death memberships. We're the first!
Some of the newest features which are uniquely yours and will continue to be yours once you sign our privacy statement and don't worry - it's not one of those small-type print unending documents - it's one sentence!
"My agreeing to be a perpetual member of Frackbook relinquishes all my personal information, persona, DNA, fingerprints, including wills, IRS statements, banking info, and medical records to Frackbook for my life entirety which may be used on other third-party sites at Frackbook's discretion or sold to terrorists, prisons, porn sites, and insane asylums". Yes, one sentence - he he.
Neat-o. Right! Aren't you fracked? Now you can find out anything about anybody. Betcha can't wait! YASNY - You ain't seen nothing yet.
Here are some of the disclosed perks you can get -- without asking or knowing about. FREE!!
1) Disclosure to the world (we are in all countries) of what you eat all day, how many times you poop and peeps, what kind of sex you enjoy and with whom, your dislikes of famly members and annoying habits of the people or persons closest to you. Watch their faces when they see what our closed cameras zoom in on while you are online. Tell others secrets and your own secrets! Be exciting - Online.
2) A FREE GPS chip is provided that you will be seen at all times, in any state or country or what your daily routines are - you no longer have to type all this info - it will be flashing on your screen! Everyone will see you - you will be a household name!
3) You'll love the new "Awesomes" When you click on "Awesome", it will be twittered to all computers cell phones, movie screens and home TVs. You will be famous for really dumb things. Anyone who passes the 1,000,000 Awesomes mark, is a candidate for a partial lobotomy which will aid you in clicking Awesome more on really dumb things.
4) Selfies page. You will be given your own Selfie page which can be updated every 3 minutes. Hey, we age every 3 minutes - why not capture it? There is no limit to how many Selfies you can put on Frackbook - aren't you just psyched? Your pictures can be sold by Frackbook to third parfties like the ACLU, IRS, FBI, major political parties and major terrorist groups. Be seen and heard!!
5) For you protection, Frackbook is generously providing a CAM chip which will capture your home, or any space you come in contact with or visit. We just ask that you don't pick your nose or behind, it will be captured and shown to other Frackbookers. Now you can share your showers and bedrooms and family fights. When you shaved your legs and dyed your hair. Tweezing your eyebrows or having pissing fights. Or how bombed you get each night. You won't have to write about them - your friends and/or some demented folks, too, will enjoy the spontaneity.
6) To keep it pleasant on Frackbook, there are no opinions, remarks, or making faces (we're watching you on your reverse cam) about the government, religion, schools, newspapers, culture, military, guns, other countries, intellectual or scientific happenings in your life, any breaking news, or any news, church, work, travel, house or families.' Be awesome and entertaining. See how many different outfits you can provide in selfies and how many poses or faces you can make. Or tell about your health check-up or last dental appointment in detail. Or anything meaningless in detail. Frack us while we Frack you!
7) Keep it light, and keep busy with your selfies, Awesomes, jokes, stories about animals, kids, grooming, cooking and health. (No comments on politics - you will be ejected see below).
8) Ejection notice. If you don't abide by the rules above, yes, you can be ejected from the computer with an apparatus that is so fast and efficient it cannot be detected by humans. Don't ask how it works. It's copyrighted. Just follow the rules or you won't be eligible for the soon to be offered 'after death' sign-up.
9) If you don't care to join Frackbook at this time, you may be arrested and put in an old big store vacated warehouse in an undisclosed location. Sign up today. Make new friends - after only one day of watching spying, listening and sighing, you will feel like you've known them forever.
10) A 300-page sign up form will automatically come forth from your printer when you log off. Don't ask how it works - everyone has had their printers tampered with while you were busy with your selfies.
If you are ready - send in your 300 page sign-up form. A military tank will be coming by mornings at 8:00 am and evenings at 8:00 pm to pick them up. Your info will be secure. Be one of us. You have no choice ~ if you don't want to be left out.
©Marie Coppola Revised September 2016